Move On and Break Down
by Becks Rylynn
Summary: .....Sam's dead. His life is over. And Dean still can't cry. Heavy AU.


_AN: Okay, this is an AU short oneshot in which Ruby is a human who was engaged to Sam and like another member of the Winchester family. Both John and Mary are alive and they never found hunting, they're all living a completely normal life away from the things that go bump in the night. It was originally posted in my A Little Game and Dance collection and now I'm posting it seperately._

**Title:**_** Move On and Break Down  
**_**Summary: **_.....Sam's dead. His life is over. And Dean _still _can't cry....._AU.  
**Pairing:** Dean/Ruby, mentions past Sam/Ruby.  
**Genre:** Angst/Drama.  
**Rating:** T  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters.

* * *

**Move On and Break Down**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

He wants her to go away. Maybe he does want her, maybe he does want her, maybe he does need her. But he just can't seem to forget what she did. What _they_ did together, and he sure as hell can't forget the concequences. He won't. So when she wraps her arms around his neck, and he feels that annoying feeling in his chest, like his heart's jumping, he doesn't fall into her like he's done all the other times. ''I know that you're trying to help,'' he murmers into her silky blond hair. ''And I love you for it,'' he pulls away from her and moves a hand to her face. ''But I can't do this.''

Her dull blue eyes, swimming in tears stare into his blank green ones. ''I loved Sam too, you know.''

''Well, he was your fiance.'' He snaps, a jealous sneer flickering across his face for a fraction of a second. She flinches, but her eyes stay emotionless, fading to grey, as she sighs and turns away from him.

''Fine.'' She runs a shaking hand through her hair and closes her eyes. ''Go do what you need to do, Dean, but don't try and kill yourself to get rid of the guilt.'' She turns back to him, and he thinks he might have seen a tear roll down her cheek, but when he takes a closer look, it's gone. ''We both have to live with this guilt forever.'' She whispers. ''Plus, I don't want to lose another Winchester.'' He knows he sees a ghost of a smile play across her face, but doesn't say anything, instead nodding and kissing her quickly on the cheek and drawing in a sharp breath when his lips linger on her cheek for just a moment too long.

And then he's gone, slipping out the back door, away from his father's dissaproving glare and his mother's cries, and _her_ eyes, the pale blue ones that can see through his wall on any given day. He needs to get away.

* * *

Mary wants to make her chicken soup. Mary wants to make her tea. Mary wants to make her a fucking casserole. Mary wants to keep her hands busy. Ruby knows that much is true. She doesn't know why she stuck around after the wake. It's not helping her guilty concious.

Whenever Mary sends her a tearful glance, like a mother hen, whenever John gives her a reassuring smile, like he's trying to tell her everything's going to be okay, she wants to tell them the truth. She wants to tell them everything, because she needs to be punished. She needs them to hate her like she hates herself.

It would be easier.

She's sitting at the kitchen table with John, while Mary stands at the counter when it just slips out. She doesn't even mean to say it. She doesn't know what makes her finally say it. She just does. ''I slept with Dean.''

The cup of cold tea in Mary's hands falls to the ground, shattering on impact and a strangled gasp escapes the grieving mother's lips. John doesn't make a sound, he doesn't meet her eyes. Instead, a haunted smile crosses his face and he takes a look at his wife. ''Grief does powerful things to people.''

''You don't understand,'' tears sting her eyes and she shakes her head, standing and running a shaky hand through her hair. ''I slept with Dean _before_ Sam's....before Sam's accident. I slept with him more then once. I was _cheating_ on Sam!'' She laughs maniacally and throws her arms out. ''Dean and I were having an affair.'' They don't look at her and desperation invades her chest like a disease. ''John, Mary, that night.....Sam...Sam came home and found....he found Dean and I together and he stormed out. He died because he couldn't think straight! Don't you see? This is my fault! Sam's dead because of me and Dean! You need to do something, you need to punish me!'' Her unsteady legs give out beneath her and she crashes limply to the floor, tears streaming down her face like a river. ''Your son is dead because of me. Please,'' she begs, her words slurred with sobs as she looks up at them. ''_Do something_!''

They're silent.

She cries harder.

* * *

He wants to cry.

He knows he_ should _cry.

He should scream and cry and throw a fit. But whenever the tears burn painfully behind his eyes, he pushes them away out of habit. His mother cried, his father cried, Ruby cried.

He didn't cry.

He doesn't know how. He doesn't know how to grieve for Sam because he _shouldn't _be grieving for Sam. He should be the one in the pine box six feet underground.

Dean doesn't remember the exact date he started the affair with the woman his brother was going to marry and start a life with. He remembers it was raining. It happened once. It wasn't supposed to happen again, but it did. He didn't mean to fall in love with her, he didn't want to. But he did anyways.

He wants to cry over that.

He wants to cry because his brother never got married, because Sam will never take another breath, or have children, or fall in love ever again.

Because Sam's dead. His life is over.

And Dean still _can't _cry.

* * *

Dean's really dreading walking back into that house. He doesn't want to face his mother, her angelic face tortured and tearstained. He doesn't want to face his father, trying to be in control of his emotions. He doesn't want to face Ruby, with her blonde hair in disarray, looking just as beautiful as ever.

He doesn't want to face any of them, but when he get's closer to the house and hears the distant sound of sobbing coming from the kitchen, he doesn't think twice before rushing through the back door and into the kitchen.

She's crying, slumped on the floor, crying her eyes out, her whole entire body shaking. Then he sees his parents, both frozen in shock, and he knows right away what she did. She told them. Panic races through him and he crosses the room, hauling Ruby to her feet and brushing hair away from her face. ''Ruby, what did you do?'' He whispers. ''Tell me you didn't tell them about us.'' He doesn't say anything to his parents. He doesn't know what to say anyways. Dean tries not to even look at his parents and lifts her into his arms, carrying her out of the room.

* * *

When he puts her down on the bed, she grabs his arm and meets his eyes, trying to see through the broken green irises and to the man behind them. ''Dean..'' Her voice is hoarse and fragile and before he can stop her, she leans up and kisses him. He kisses back for a moment because she feels like home, and she tastes like tears, and he loves her, even though he's not supposed to. But then his brother's face flashes through his mind and he pulls away from her. ''Ruby...'' Pain and longing find their way into his voice and for a moment he can feel the familiar sting of tears behind his eyes, but they're gone before they fall. ''...Please don't make this harder.''

She nods, and more tears fall from her eyes, even though she doesn't know where they're coming from. She feels cried out. She doesn't know how she manages to do it, but she tears her eyes away from him and lays back on the bed, resting her head on the pillow, salty liquid staining the pillow. ''Go talk to your parents.''

''Ruby - ''

''_Go_.''

He presses a kiss to her forehead and his lips send shivers down her spine. When he's gone, she sits up in bed and sighs heavily, closing her eyes. Shadows dance on the walls, like her personal demons waiting to devour her. One of her hands automatically falls to her stomach, like her body had commanded her to do it, and she tries not to think about the baby no one except her knows exsists. She wants to tell Dean, really she does. She wants to cry out for him, but the scream dies on her lips.

How is she going to tell him she's pregnant at a time like this?

* * *

Dean closes the door behind him, and as soon as he turns around, his back hits the wall and his father's glaring face stares back at him. ''John!'' He hears his mother shriek, grabbing at John's sleeve.

''Goddamn it, Dean,'' John growls, and Dean doesn't even try to explain himself. ''Your brother's fiancee? Just how much of an ass are you?'' The thunder booming outside makes Mary jump, but the two men she has left don't even seem to notice.

Dean pushes his father away and turns his pleading gaze to his mother, like he's trying to beg for her forgiveness. ''It wasn't supposed to happen.''

John sneers and crosses his arms, stepping in between Dean and Mary. ''Do you love her?'' When Dean doesn't answer, John's anger only intensifies. ''Answer me, boy!''

''Yes!'' Dean throws his arms out and turns away from his parents, unable to look at the disappointment in their eyes any longer. ''Yes, okay, I love her. Yes, I'm_ in _love with her. Yes, I love her more than Sam ever could.'' He lets a bitter smirk fall on his face and whirls around, looking straight at his father. ''Is that what you wanted to hear, Dad?''

His father's eyes flash and the older man takes a threatening step towards his son, danger gleaming in his eyes. Before he can take a swing, his wife grabs his arm, pulling him back. ''John, don't!''

''Why the hell not!''

''Because he's the only son we have left!'' Silence hangs over the broken family as soon as the words leave her lips. Before she can burst into tears, John pulls her in his arms, anger disappearing. Dean can't listen to his mother cry anymore so he pulls open the bedroom door, locking it behind him, leaning against the wooden door and closing his eyes.

''You're back.''

He opens his eyes and looks at her, the moonlight making her hair shine. ''Looks like.''

''You love me.''

He pushes himself off the door and takes a step towards her. ''I do.''

''You shouldn't.''

''I know.''

''I love you too, you know.''

''You shouldn't.''

She shrugs. ''I do anyways.''

He takes the final step towards her and presses her against the wall, moving his hand to her cheek, smirking softly when he feels her body tremble against his. ''We're bad people.''

She nods and reaches out, gripping his shirt. ''We're going to hell.''

He puts his hands on either side of her head, trapping her beneath him. ''No comfort for the damned.''

Her eyes twinkle with damaged satisfaction as she smirks and brings her lips inches away from his. ''Who said anything about comfort?'' He brings his lips to hers and she kisses back, their grief fueling both of them. But then, his hands move to her waist and brush her stomach and she gasps, her eyes opening as she remembers everything she's tried to forget. She pulls away from him breathlessly and pushes him away, distancing herself from him. ''Wait....I can't...I don't....I need to tell you something.''

''That doesn't sound good.'' He wants to get back to what they were doing, to forget about his guilt and his grief and the fact that he can't cry, he wants to forget about Sam and his parents and just be with her.

She sits on the bed and bites her lip nervously. ''Dean I...'' Her hand moves to her stomach, clutching it almost protectively. ''I'm....Dean...we're.....'' She trails off and runs a hand through her hair.

His eyes fall to her stomach and an icy hand grabs at his heart. ''You....oh.''

''Yeah.''

''Is it...''

''Yours?'' She grimaces and nods slightly. ''Yes.''

There's silence next. A horrible aching silence that threatens to swallow them both whole. ''Ruby I....'' He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know how he should be feeling. Should he be feeling happy that he got his brother's fiancee knocked up? Guilt gnaws at him and suddenly, he feels that painful feeling of needle like tears pricking at his eyes. He needs to get out of there. He knows he should say more to her. He knows he should say something to comfort her because she's obviously scared. He should tell her that everything will be okay, that _they're_ going to be okay. Because everyone loves a beautiful lie.

But he doesn't.

He doesn't say anything.

Instead, he does something he's good at.

He runs.

* * *

Dean stumbles out the back door, rain beating down on him like angels tears. However, his plan to run away falls apart when he only manages to make it a few steps before he falls to his knees. ''Son of a bitch.''

A permanent reminder.

That's what the baby is going to be. A permanent reminder of how he screwed up, of how he betrayed Sam and_ killed _his brother. Something warm rolls down his cheek, and it takes him a minute to realize it's a tear. Guilt eats away at him like a disease and there in the backyard of his parents house in Lawrence, the place where he and Sam grew up, for the first time since his brother died.....

...Dean Winchester cries.

**end**

* * *

**AN: Well, there you have it. Depressing isn't it? What can I tell you? I love angst. I do realize they were out of character, but this is an AU, a very strong AU at that, so I figure they wouldn't be the same. Not in this world. Right? Anyways, hope you liked it.**


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